I don’t like the term “gaslighting”, but I honestly can’t think of a more appropriate term to describe living with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Imagine owning a space that’s supposed to be entirely your own and, unbeknownst to you, a squatter started living inside that place without your consent. You try to argue that it’s your space and they don’t belong there, but they’re undeterred by your logic and reasoning. In fact, facts and truth bounce off this squatter’s chest like bullets used against Superman. The squatter revels in your inability to combat its illogical, frustrating nature.
Now understand that this space shrinks as the squatter claims more for itself. It’s no longer your own. Instead, you now have a truly unwanted roommate who constantly encroaches on your peace and sense of self. You can’t leave or buy a new place to live, because this space is your brain.
The squatter isn’t content with robbing you of your basic joy and sense of freedom, either. It’s a harsh and demeaning inner critic intent on increasing the conflict within. Your self-confidence erodes. You become not only doubtful, but doubtful of your doubts until you don’t understand which way is up and whether the sky is even blue. It feeds and nourishes itself upon your fear like an aberrant growth, a borderline eldritch horror in its seeming unknowability.
And it doesn’t matter what theme of this disorder you suffer from in a given period of time. It’s all the same tried and true gaslighting tricks. If you’ll just do this one thing, you’ll feel better about yourself. But it’s a fleeting, temporary relief. Whatever your compulsions, whether they manifest outwardly or inwardly, these rituals and ruminations only lead in one direction – entrapment by the OCD squatter.
Learning to withstand the anxiety of not doing a compulsion is daily, tiresome, and the only way forward. The unceasing desire to “fix” whatever ails you also gnaws at your being, often codified in the form of actual physical pain as your brain sends signals across your body begging you to do whatever compulsion you feel you need to do to alleviate the fear.
I have to remind myself that the anxiety of an intrusive thought, feeling, or event is not the enemy. Rumination, acting on those thoughts, reacting in a manner to correct the fear – that’s the enemy, that’s where the downfall happens. The only way to evict the gaslighting squatter is to not give them the time of day at all. The less you respond in kind to their tricks, the more freedom you regain and the power to love yourself and be whole again.
But it’s not easy. Bad days and bad weeks happen. Spirals occur. Taking my life back is worth the pain, even if it sometimes feels like it isn’t. I pick myself up again, no matter what transpired, and undertake this mental health journey where I left off.
OCD is a malevolent narcissist and the premium gaslighting persona, but I’m stubborn and I don’t quit. Because I can do this, even if it takes my whole life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. God bless and peace be with you.
impromptugameof52 